proser

5 Hours.

     I always get creative exactly 1 hour before I go to work.  I was going to work on the zine, but I was out of glue sticks.  I wanted to paint something, but I couldn’t find any canvas, and someone stole all my black paint.  I wanted to draw, but I didn’t know what I should draw. I wanted to graffiti over a big painting we have in my house, but I didn’t want to fog out my roommates, who were all milling about in the studio side of the house.  I tried to find a roadbike to start riding my ass off this summer, but couldn’t find one my size within my price range, especially so since I don’t even know which either of them are exactly.  I was going to do some work on my book project, but I didn’t want to start somewhere without having a definite stopping point, and once I get started on that, I need at least 5 hours. 

     This is what keeps stopping me, as my roommate Emily and I spoke about earlier today.  I keep putting things aside and saying, “I can’t start this until I have at least 5 hours to do it and work on it.”  I build it up and put it aside until I can put my entire being into it, slate half of an entire day, and do the damn thing, but it’s so intimidating and time consuming that I realize I just don’t have 5 whole hours to commit wholeheartedly to anything besides work.  Then I just bullshit on the internet and waste time until I have to go to work, instead of even getting started on something I really wanted to do and putting it down prematurely.  Am I just making excuses, or do I really not want to do anything, ever?  

     And why, then, do I always want to do something huge exactly 1 hour before I go to work?  Is it because I know I can stop myself and say, “You don’t have time to work on this” and never actually do anything?  Or rather, that I realize once the real deadline is here I’ve already wasted my whole day, and feel so bottled up and anxious that I just need to do SOMETHING.  Quickly now!  Hurry!  Gotta be at work in 30 minutes!  LAST CHANCE.

     I started taking pictures of everything I did today, but my camera sucks and I already skipped a bunch of steps.  I thought, I’ll do this properly when I get my iphone, so I’ll have a decent camera on me at all times.  Just like, I’ll finish the zine when I go out and buy glue sticks, or make a painting when I go out and get paint and canvas.  Everything is always waiting on something, and sometimes I question myself, do I really REALLY need this one thing to do this project?  Or am I making excuses to not do ANYTHING?

     Tomorrow, or tonight, god-willing, I’m making something.  I don’t care what it is, but when I get free, I’m going to find something I can make from what I already have.  and it is going to be wonderful, even if I only have an hour to do it.  No excuses.